We all are accustomed to the ‘swiping factories’. It’s 2019 and one can get groceries, veggies, movie tickets, money, lingerie and almost everything under the sun, online.

Everything but love.

Although, Tinder,  Bumble, OkCupid, Hinge, Happn, Coffee meets bagel and probably a hundred more apps have tried their best to spark our hearts, but sadly half of their customers can’t help but remind the other half of their oozing,  uncontrollable flow of testosterone and estrogen. Getting invitations for one night stands and then being ghosted is too mainstream these days.Outcomes of these ‘swiping factory’ aren’t as satisfying as they want you to believe.

But here is the backstory:

  1. You find out about twenty six other people they’re engaged with and all the texts they send you are copy-pasted.
  2. Their horny ass has been engaging with you only for your v-thing or amaze balls.
  3. They definitely aren’t the person you chatted with. It’s their dressing style or maybe their voice, their height or their atrocious grammar — something is just off.
  4.  He is perfect but apparently has commitment issues and now you don’t know what to do with your life anymore.

And don’t even get started with the norms of modern dating! If you text first, they have the upper hand. If you don’t have sensual photos uploaded, no one is interested. If you reply quickly, you’re desperate. If you reply late, you’re not playing hard to get. If you send three consecutive texts, you’re clingy. If you send one seven-lined text, you’re crazy. If you talk about feelings, you’re an emotional wreck. If you play it cool, you’re a playboy. If you’ve been chatting for a few weeks now, maybe you should meet. Or maybe you should wait for two more weeks. It’s been a few months, now is the time for sex or else he’ll start meeting that girl on Bumble who sent him pictures the day before.

There’s confusion, expectations, doubts, and most importantly the fear of never getting a text back. You never know if it was sarcastic or serious, sympathetic or counterfeit, priority or an option.

Agreed, these apps have thousands of options. In spite of so many options, people are taken for granted. With so much of competition, you text everyone but end up with no one. In fact, now you are left alone with more insecurities than before. Scared of always being ghosted, not being enough, never being loved in the ways we deserve to be —we are left in perplexity.

Love is supposed to be so much more than texting, sexting and blocking.

Agreed, a few people are living the aforementioned fairy tales of their lives with the one they met online and will hopefully have a ‘happily ever after’. But no one can actually guarantee that the virtual dating forms will ever be able to live up to the actual real process. Meeting someone for the first time,  getting to know them for real, their insecurities, their passions, their dreams, their flaws is exclusively raw and unfiltered. Everything is exhilarating and unpredictable.

But most of all, these are what these signs hate about the digital romance and end up sucking at it.

ARIES

They love intellectual topics. They are always up for debating— a swiper will most probably ghost you because they mistake your debates for arguments.

Aries loves compliments but they fail to distinguish between the genuine ones and the ones coming their way out of convention. Definitely lacking a major skill of online dating.

TAURUS

Taurus are pretty old school when it comes to the dating game and can’t be one of those people who just go from one relationship to another — modern dating is definitely not for them. Here, they literally have to go from person to person until they find the one and Taurus is not built for that.

GEMINI

Gemini people are seekers.  They want to have the best. They love to talk a lot. Deep, intellectual conversations keep them going — finding the best of the billions who texts you back and keeps you intrigued? Wish them luck.

CANCER

Cancers are sensual and peaceful creatures whose versions of hot night together consist of candles, intimacy and lots of cuddling afterwards. Sorry buddy!  Not your cup of tea. Swipers only hit and then quit. No cuddles. No candles.

LEO

Leos love the whole dating ritual of gift giving, letter writing, dinners, understanding, romance, dancing and long nights of hot passion. Gift giving? Not happening. Letter writing? Who writes that in the ages of messenger and WhatsApp? Dinner dates? If you are lucky, maybe. Understanding- Do you guys even know your full names?  Romantic dancing? Never. Hot passion? Always.

So, final verdict is a big ‘No’.

VIRGO

When dating a Virgo, the relationship gets better over time. One just has to look past their first impression — it might work if the swiper you choose is interested enough to meet several times and not bale out midway.

LIBRA

When it comes to dating, a Libra has to feel a mental and physical connection before giving away their heart. Abundance of physical contact will mean absolutely nothing to the Libras if there exists no mental connections. Not your cup of tea, Libras.

SCORPIO

As for their desires it doesn’t matter what a Scorpio is trying to go after. For them dating is about either about everything or about nothing at all —you’ll never know what’s the current status of your relationship. Are they seeing anyone else? You never know how much you matter to them. Their secretive nature might as well just piss you off.

SAGITTARIUS

The hardest part about dating them is that they slip into lecturing you at the wrong moment and can come off as a condescending know-it-all — not at all a good idea while texting! At least now you know what is driving them all away.

CAPRICORN

Capricorns need some reassurance that you have your shit together. Capricorns are known to be picky — and with so many to choose from, indecision will always make it hard for them to choose. They will find themselves liking so many yet being unable to decide who to date.

AQUARIUS

Aquarius is known for beauty, creativity, and intelligence. They prefer to be your friend first. They prefer to hold off on experiencing major emotions because, for them, it’s unstable, powerful, and unsettling. You probably would keep emotional wrecks away making you look cold-hearted and cruel, while in reality you are just avoiding drama like a boss.

PISCES

Pisces are a mix of old soul, empathy, and being just a tad bit edgy. Pisces is known for being one of the nicest signs, so sometimes the sign overcompensates after doing something bad, even though it goes against their principles. All the wrath of modern dating is just too cruel for you to try. You deserve one potential partner with good music.

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